If the punch doesn't kill you the late fees will

My local Blockbuster has been taken over by a cult. "That's crazy," you say? Shut up and let me finish. Shall we look over the facts? We shall.

Facts:
• Previous classic-Blockbuster overweight employees with beards and glasses are gone. In their stead are clean-cut, thin drones. Are these the kind of people who normally work at media rental shoppes? I don't think I need to tell you the obvious answer (it's "no").
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• They freak me out.
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• Said new "employees" do not don the characteristic blue shirts which have been a staple of the Blockbuster chain for many years. Instead they are neon green. Now you may be saying, "That's probably just a promotional thing.” Promotional thing? What would they be promoting? Trees? Grass? Next you'll try and claim it's merely a coincidence that aliens are also neon green (that's a well known fact so there's no way you'd question that, well unless you're stupid).
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• They're extremely happy and polite. I don't just mean they greet you when you come in and tell you to have a good day when you leave, they will shine your shoes while giving you a formal yet sensual massage if you emit any sound that could be interpreted as indicating discomfort (note: I haven't actually tried this yet but I will just assume it's completely true). They also try and recruit you into some "deal" the "store" is "having" every single time you rent "something." Plus, what kind of person, who hasn't been brainwashed, would find happiness working at Blockbuster? Not a sane one.
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• Holy heck do they freak me out.
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• No matter what time of day you go or what day of the week it is, the same three people will be there. In the summer, I tend to make quite a few trips to the ol' blue fun shack (that's what I sometimes call blockbuster, and by sometimes I mean this was the first time, I didn't enjoy it that much so it will probably also be the last.). No matter when I go, they are there, waiting, watching, grinning, and waiting. Believe me, I have gone at extremely different times and days of the week solely for the purpose of avoiding these people because, I don't know if I've mentioned this, they really freak me out. It never works, they're always there.
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• Hey guys, did you hear Rick Moranis isn't dead? He was in some movies. Movies you can presumably rent at Blockbuster. That is, if you make it out of there without becoming one of them.

Facts do not lie, people. Facts aren't like that girl who acted like she was interested and gave me her phone number, then when I called the next day I was greeted with a the man on the other end asking me what I wanted on my pizza. I went with ham and pineapple.

I'm afraid one lonely night when I go to rent Pretty Woman, I might slip into their grasp. It's like a siren's call, beckoning me to join a life of blissful mindlessness.

No, I'm not making this up.